- In a family law dispute, parties may decide to have their matter mediated in an attempt to settle their case rather than go to court. A mediator cannot decide a case for parties, but what they can do is work with the parties to come up with an agreement that ends the dispute.
Some people believe that mediation is kinder and gentler than court. In mediation we are asking parties who were not able to work out their relationship difficulties to sit in front of one another to discuss and settle the most important concerns they are facing. We are asking them to sit in front of one another and discuss how they will parent their children, how they are going to divide their assets, how much spousal support (if any) is going to be paid, and what amount of child support will be paid. The answers to these questions are at the forefront of each person’s mind when separating from a spouse.
Although people may have been the one to finally end a difficult marriage or relationship, they often feel like they are literally swimming out into the abyss of the unknown. People feel vulnerable, afraid and totally raw. Yet, we are asking them to sit across from the person who they feel has hurt them, humiliated them, and the person who has not understood their legitimate concerns. In 15 years of doing this work, I have never acted for someone in a family law matter where they think that they were in the wrong and the other person was in the right. We are asking them to sit in front of the person who has wronged them when they are so right.
So, I do not agree that mediation is kinder and gentler than court. Yet, I do think it is worth it, almost every single time. I liken it to ripping off a band-aid. It is painful, quick, and done (save and except for the festering wound that may be left behind to heal). This is way better, in my view, than having the litigation last for sometimes years. People often feel like they cannot wait to get on with their lives until they are finished dealing with all of the issues that need to be settled in their family law dispute. Mediation is quicker to set and way less formal.
So, the thing I find that is kinder and gentler about mediation is that it has a great likelihood of ending the dispute. It is also way less money than going to court virtually every time. It is not kinder and gentler at all.
Rather than spend the next 18 months of your life obsessing and worrying abut what will happen: how is parenting going to work? How are we going to divide our assets? How much will I have to pay? Will I have a continued relationship with the kids? Will he or she go for my throat?
You know the answers to these questions and can move on. So, it is a good reason to think about it, even in the most impossible, cases.
Written by Val Hemminger
